My Weblog

January 22, 2012 - 10:45

I took this photo a half an hour after I saw my father alive for the last time.

The date and time was: January 22, 2012 - 10:45.

I was just going home quickly and set to return to San Diego 2 days later.

Unfortunately time cruelly intervened with my ill-planned intentions...

He passed away the next day.

Looking back I sure wish I'd have hugged him a little harder; a little longer.

And instead of the single kiss I gave him on his forehead -

I wish I'd have covered his sweet face with them.

And instead of boarding that train I wish I'd have paid head to my instincts...

And just stayed with him.

They Let My Dad In

On Tuesday, the night after my father passed, the heavens were painted with a gloriously vivid sunset. So much so it stopped me in my tracks. These types of scenes can really take ones breath away.

I took a photo of it and posted it on Facebook with the following caption:

This is the sunset right now. If I were religious I'd say that they let my dad in - with great fanfare. As it should be.

After giving the photo a little more of a ponder I decided that it might actually have been the moment that my father was reunited with my little sister.

You see, next month marks the 8th year of her passing from breast cancer and the skies the other night were lit up in the Susan G. Komen for the Cure colors - shades of breast cancer awareness pink.

I know my father was eager to see her again. And maybe, just maybe, the power of their embrace and the warmth it generated sparked the heavens to blaze.

No, not maybe. Certainly.

Goodbye, Pop

Yesterday in the late afternoon my father died.

Besides his unconditional love I got these five things from my dad:

1. My extreme punctuality. In fact, like him, I'm usually early.

2. My looks. In the photo above we are about the same age, 46.

3. My love of classic country music. Waylon, Willie, Merle, Dolly, Loretta, etc.

4. My sense of humor. He was quite the wit. I pale in comparison.

5. My stepmother Sandi. They were extremely lucky to have each other.

His passing is a stunningly numbing loss. My heart is broken.

But I'm confident my little sister greeted him with outstretched arms.

Goodbye, Pop.

But He Employed the Wrong Vowel

As I sit on the train heading toward San Diego to visit my father I have allowed my mind to wander through the years and smile at the many memories of us. Reflection in this manner is sweet. And sad. It's funny how sweet and sad sometimes hand hands as if intimates.

Anyway, I came across a particular memory I'd like to share with you today. Many of you already know this story but it's a very funny one and bears repeating - for my recent fans friends. It's short and you'll Chuck'le (again).

As a child my father had two nick names for me: Charlie and Butch. Yes, you read that correctly - Butch. I have no idea where that came from or how it started but he called for me using both equally.

About 15 years ago I was telling a coworker this story and when she heard the name Butch she twisted up her face and snarled in amusement, "Butch?"

I too laughed at the obvious ridiculousness, "Yea."

She continued, "Well, he got all the consonants right but he employed the wrong vowel."

We enjoyed a fairly lengthy laugh at her apt joke. Just as you will, once you think about it a second more...

'Holy' Something

Yesterday I had to stand before a judge in Beverly Hills on a ridiculous charge that was rightfully dropped. The court found it a waste of time. And I'm not going to bother to elaborate here but I will say that I'm thankful that I did not have to sit around all day waiting to be called as the public defender made sure I was up second confiding in me, "This is a complete waste of the court's time - let me get you out of here."

The first case was a young guy in court from a rehab center with a progress report for the judge. The rehab center had a name that suggested it may have had a religious angle, it was called Holy something, I can't recall the exact name - just the Holy part.

The judge asked the defendant, "Just for future reference I'd just like to know if this rehab center is religious. I wouldn't want to send someone who is not religious to a faith-based center."

His lawyer answered for him, "Your honor, we'd prefer not to answer that question as it may prejudice the court."

The judge responded, "That fine."

The lawyer continued, "I will add that I think it's 'holy' just because when you are admitted you walk in and look around and say 'holy crap.'"

The judge smiled and said, "While I recognize that that is a pretty funny joke," she took a pause for her own comic timing, "I'll remind you that the Comedy Store is up on Sunset."

***

About the photo: The Beverly Hills Fire Department is on the next block from the Court House and they have a memorial to 9-11. The twisted piece of metal is a beam from the World Trade Center and it's base is a Pentagon shaped flower bed with the greenery representing the fields of Shanksville. The lovely memorial is surrounded by welcoming benches for one to sit and reflect. Los Angeles is a big part of the 9-11 plot - remember, 3 of the 4 hijacked planes were LAX bound.

For Dad.

Yesterday my world was rocked. Jolted. Tilted. Slammed. Wrecked.

My stepmother Sandi called with news that my father was in the hospital.

It seems he had not been feeling well over the holidays.

They finally decided to go to the emergency room on New Years Eve.

Blood was drawn. Tests were performed. Breaths were held.

The end result was an unimaginable horror: stage 4 liver cancer.

Exhale.

My father is battling Alzheimer's and his memory fails him constantly.

I called him yesterday while he was in the hospital.

Me, timidly: Hey Pop, how are you feeling?

Pop, urgently: I got a clean bill of health. I want to go home now.

Me, lying: Hang in there, maybe you'll go home tomorrow.

Pop, demanding: No, I want to go home now.

He began calling for Sandi. But she was out of the room.

My father has always been impatient & it's worse when Sandi is not near.

Pop, frustrated: I need to find Sandi for you. She'll tell you.

With that my poor confused father hung up the phone...

For which I was thankful as it was getting very tough to keep it together.

I spent the next couple of hours lost in tremendous sorrow. And tears.

I sought out the comfort of friends. Theu were gracious with their time.

So cancer is determined to revisit and terrorize my family again huh?

Well, fuck you cancer. Fuck you hard. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Exhale.

Yo Yo Ma is No Yo Mama Joke

Last evening I watched the Kennedy Center Honors as I do every year. They usually honor a couple of people I really admire and one (or two) that I know of and learn much more about. Yo Yo Ma fell into that latter category last night.

As I watched the great tribute being bestowed upon him I couldn't help but think of my very own Yo Yo Ma story. And I'll confess about a dozen Yo Mama jokes flooded my head too. But Yo Yo Ma is no Yo Mama joke - he's the world's greatest cellist. And I don't think that's even open for debate.

About a million years ago I worked in the major donor fundraising department of a local (and very popular) public radio station. My boss and I were given a tight corner in what the station fashioned a bustling news room. In this room I experienced all sorts of history: the OJ Simpson, Timothy McVeigh and President Clinton trials; the Bush V Gore election frenzy; the Y2K build-up and... well, you get the idea.

The radio station also boasted 4-5 live performances a week in the 11AM hour. From the unknown to the very famous played in our studios: James Taylor, Willie Nelson, Moby, k.d. lang, Pink Martini, Rickie Lee Jones, Beck, Tom Waits - just to name a few.

One morning there was a major buzz in the station because Yo Yo Ma was coming to do a set. At 10AM the general manager, who was a Los Angeles icon for her distinctive Brooklyn-accented pledge drive voice, burst into the room and announced rather dramatically, "YOU GUYS, STOP EVERYTHING, I HAVE NEWS."

The cabin pressure in the room changed as we braced ourselves to hear what terrible event has happened in the world as she continued as if in a dream-state, "The cello has arrived."

***

(Yo Yo followed the cello by about an hour.)

 

"That was my husband."

Yea, so this happened last week...

I was at a local dog park and this bulldog's owner kept throwing the ball for him to fetch and as he retrieved it he would come to me and lay the ball at my feet. Every time I would begin to bend down to pick it up the owner would make a rude 'no no' clicking sound with his tongue which told me not to touch it at which point he'd grab it and throw it again.

The dog just kept bringing it back to me. But I wasn't allowed to play. I think this annoyed the dog more than it actually annoyed me. Soon they were gone and I was left to ponder about how it really bothered me that I let this guy bully(dog) me.

The very next day I went back to the dog park and the same bulldog was playing fetch - only this time with a female. And again, the dog kept laying the ball at my feet. This time I was allowed to actually pick up the ball and play.

The woman said, "My dog seems to really like you."

I replied, "Yea, he really liked me yesterday too."

A puzzled look made a mess of her pretty face, "Yesterday?"

I said matter-of-factly, "He was with a male yesterday."

She tensed-up even more, "That was my husband."

I thought about telling her about his shenanigans but opted not to as she continued, "He told me he was at work all day yesterday."

I took a step backward as she thought out loud with a bite in her voice, "I wonder what else he's lying to me about..."

I jerked a corner of my mouth downwards and managed an awkward, "Whoops."

Clearly agitated she promptly leashed her dog and departed with a heavy foot. I felt bad for a couple of minutes but if I'm telling the truth - it actually felt good that I unwittingly exacted revenge on that big meanie.

Merry Christmas!!!

The Last Christmas Tree

Right around Thanksgiving 2003 my little sister Nancy became bed-ridden. Not by choice mind you - just one day she never got out of bed again. She had the will but her poor little body hadn't the strength anymore.

The weekend before Christmas '03 was my turn to go to Phoenix to keep her company. When I walked into her house I found it strange that it was completely devoid of anything Christmas-y. Nancy ran a successful daycare center out of her home and every year she turned her place into an awesome winter wonderland.

I asked, "How come you don't have your decorations up?"

Nancy replied, "He doesn't want to hassle with it."

He meaning her husband. They were in divorce discussions when she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Nancy was given 6 months to live but managed to fight for an extra 4 years. He was miserable and ready to move on with his life. And he could sense the finish line. But this isn't about him...

I am not much for Christmas but I took one look at her face and could see that she needed that tree set up so I said, "Fuck that. I'm getting that tree and its going right there." I pointed to the corner of her room so that she could enjoy it all day long.

I had no idea the undertaking I had assigned myself. You see, she didn't have uniform decorations for the tree. Every ornament was different and purchased with intent. And each had a story, "We got that one when we went to..." Or, "Grandma got Alec that one when he was born." And so on.

Alec is her son and he and I spent the rest of the day setting up that tree. Proudly. And with flair. Nancy was so happy as memories flowed from her like a fountain of precious liquid gold.

At one point Nancy said, "Don't worry about the angel for the top of the tree - it's too high. I don't want you to fall."

She had high ceilings and the tree was enormous but I was determined to get that angel atop that tree. After all, this was to be the last Christmas tree she would ever see. Yea, I almost broke my neck a few times but eventually I was successful.

She slept for a couple hours. When Nancy awoke she looked at the tree and with a shimmer in her eye she said softly, "Ah, my angel."

I looked at the tree and smiled broadly then she continued with a tear in her voice, "I was talking about you."

Santa Community

I live at the end of the 105 Metro line. Lately I've been riding.

A couple of weeks ago I boarded and encountered a white bearded driver.

I thought to myself: I wonder if he realizes he's driving a bus & not a sleigh?

I sure do enjoy my simple amusements.

The next day I rode with him again - this time a rider exited saying,

"See you tomorrow, Santa."

Huh? People actually call this guy Santa?

Maybe even more troubling was the jolly in his response, "Until then."

I found myself on his bus again a few days later and heard the following:

Rider: Hey, Santa. Are you working much this season?

Driver: Oh yes. This is my busy time of year.

Rider: Do you make a lot of money being Santa?

Driver: Yes. I can make about a third of my Metro salary in December alone.

Rider: Are you kidding me?

Driver: The pinnacle of the Santa career is the Macy's Parade, of course.

Rider: Really?

Driver: Yea, the Macy's Santa makes bank.

Rider: I had no idea.

Driver: Everybody in the Santa community dreams of getting that call!

Rider: Do you know this years Macy's Santa?

Driver: Nah, I'm pretty sure he's an east coast Santa.

It's at this point that I reached my destination.

***

A few nights later I ran into my tranny friend Ricky dressed as Santa.

Or rather, undressed as Santa.

And I wondered if Santa Ricky would be accepted in the Santa community.

You decide.

You can get a full-on view but I'm warning you - it's not for the faint hearted:

 

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 11

Cosmic Hug or, Karmic Sentence

Last night I gazed upon the star-pocked sky in the hopes that he was too.

I asked the moon to deliver him some sort of cosmic hug.

Recently he and I shared a untimely moment of intimacy.

For most it might have been a life-altering and joyous occasion.

Not so for Chuck. Just another in a long line of evasive affairs.

What is this karmic sentence I serve? And must it really be for life?

Surely I can have it reduced owing for good behaviour?

Tonight I shall gaze upon the moon again and ask it to deliver this message:

"I want my treasured friend back. I miss you.

I did not ask for nor do I want this fuedless estrangement."

I realize I will place a lot of pressure upon the moon. But she is generous.

And I believe she is on my side. This time.

Hopefully.

Heart/Strings

I took this a few months ago at a park in Beverly Hills.

I finally got around to doing something with it.

It was part of a young girl's art project. I found it quite touching.

***

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."

- Anne Frank

***

"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."

- Mark Twain

***

"Go to you bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know."

- William Shakespeare

***

"So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart,

I shall say that life is good."

- Helen Keller

***

"There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart."

- Jane Austen

***

"A loving heart is the truest wisdom."

- Charles Dickens

***

"The heart has no sharp edges so as to not sever its fragile strings."

- Chuck Keenum

James Garner: Dead or Alive?

At happy hour Scott and I made a bet as to whether James Garner was alive.

Neither of us was actually sure but I insisted he had died about a year ago.

Scott, being much closer to Garner's age, took the opposing position.

Scott gazed upward and tapped his chin a couple of times as he pondered,

"Mmm, what do I want to bet you that I don't care about?"

He reached over and patted our pal Roger on the back, "How about Roger!"

Thinking that I'd surely win the bet I bellowed, "I don't want him either!"

Roger threw his hands up - no, only one hand...

The other wasn't lettin' go of that drank - he cried out, "Hey, hey, hey."

Channeling my inner black chick I joked, "Don't neither one of us want you."

Roger lifted his Jack & Coke and shrugged, "I'll always have Mr. Daniels."

Just one of the enjoyable early evening laughs shared among good friends.

I lost. James Garner is alive. But he's really old. I'd win that bet in 2012.

I Met Jesus Yesterday

This guy's been wandering about West Hollywood as Jesus for some 5 years.

He primarily sticks to Sunset Blvd and the tour buses love him.

He will often strike a Jesus-y pose while the tourists snap pics in a frenzy.

You can literally hear them collectively think: Only in LA.

Well, yesterday as I was walking along Sunset I saw him approach.

He has perfected the Jesus glide - he actually looks like he's walking on water.

Anyway, without hesitation I asked, "Mind if I get a picture with you?"

I was only thinking of the cause it might stir when I posted it on Facebook.

He replied in a low saintly monotone, "Not at all, my child."

After the quick pic I realized that his birthday was 12 days away and said,

"Hey, let's not forget that 'Jesus is the reason for the season'."

Oh dear, I've taken to quoting Jesus bumperstickers to, well - Jesus.

He reached out his hand as if to bless me and said, "That's right, my child."

He then took a generous swig from his giant-sized Starbucks coffee...

Clearly satisfied he dropped the Jesus schtick as he cooed,

"Actually, this pumpkin spice latte is the 'reason for the season'."

***

Get it? Cuz the pumpkin spice latte is seasonal.

And Christmasly delicious.

Happy Birthday Lil Sis

Today marks what would have been my little sister's 46th birthday. Sadly, we lost her to breast cancer nearly 8 years ago but I am quite confident that she would have rocked her 40's. I imagine she would have gotten that divorce she (and he) wanted. That she would have raised her son successfully through his awkward teen years. That she would have continued to watch her day care business thrive. That she would have been unbelievably proud sending her only kid off to college. And on I could go...

Shortly before Nancy passed she, with the help of my nephew Ryan, made a CD of some of the songs that helped her through her 4 1/2 year ordeal that she wanted distributed at her funeral. I brought mine home and I never listened to it. Instead I put it in a cabinet where it has stayed since that cruel February day in 2004.

Yesterday I pulled the CD out and gave it a spin. There are 15 songs on it - inspirational, all. One thing I noticed is that many of the songs conjure images of mountains: forging, conquering, sitting atop. I'm not sure she did this on purpose or if songs of struggle and inspiration just gravitate toward the mighty mountain. I found this fascinating.

As I listened to the CD I was not as upset about it as I thought I'd be - that is until I got to track 11. Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush's, Don't Give Up: "I was taught to fight, taught to win. I never thought I could fail." Nancy didn't - not for a long time. She snubbed a dire 6 month diagnosis and gave her son 4 additional years. This was her Everest.

Nancy's family and friends, on the strength of our strong backs, helped guide our frail girl up her mountain and ease her onto that ultimate and peaceful rest. I have no doubt she likes the view.

Happy birthday lil sis, I continue to miss you.

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 10

This batch of willing participants...

Angela, Paul, Karan, Ethel, Eric and Char.

Thanks!

Doo Doo

So there is this personal trainer at the gym we nicknamed: Pretty Pretty.

Cuz he sooooooo is.

There's always a head tilt in his direction with a whispered coo: Pretty Pretty.

After a while we decided that he's just too full of himself for our admiration.

So we change his nickname to the much more apt: Douche Douche.

After a couple of days we shortened it to just: Doo Doo.

The other day we were about to leave but I needed to use the restroom.

To get to the lobby bathroom one must pass the trainers office.

As I opened the door I nodded in the the trainers office direction and said,

"Sammy," loud enough to get his attention and everyone else's, "Doo Doo!"

As I locked the door behind me I realized that the 20 people within earshot...

Thought I'd announced - with enthusiastic flair - that I need to take a crap.

I Set it on Vibrate

A friend of mine gets up before the sun rises 5 days a week for work.

The other day I asked him how he does it.

He explained that he sleeps with his cell phone in his underwear at night...

"I set it on vibrate. It's really the best way to make sure I wake up."

Weird.

This morning I awoke to a missed call from this friend at 1:30AM.

I texted him when I noticed it but got no reply and began to worry.

A few hours later I called him at work, "Hey, are you ok?"

He replied, "I got your text and had no idea what you were talking about."

I explained, "I'm talking about your missed call in the middle of the night."

He continued, "I know. I was sound asleep. I guess my crotch dialed you."

Yea that's right, say it with me now: that's what she said.

Best Gym Buddy Ever or, Cotton Candy

My friend Sammy has happily reintroduced the gym into my life.

We go (on average) 4 times a week. Lots of laughs. Best gym buddy ever.

The other day after our workout we were walking by the nearby CVS.

I said, "I'm kinda hungry, can we go in for a sandwich?"

Sammy replied, "Sure." We settled for a chicken pesto pita thing. Tasty too.

There was nowhere to eat so we just ate it at the trash can out front.

We looked decidedly homeless - made worse by the driving rain.

After it was consumed we walked a couple blocks before Sammy mentioned,

"Today is Jordan and my one month anniversary. What should I get him?"

I said, "Well, we were just at CVS - you should have looked around there."

So we went back.

We walked up and down every aisle but found nothing to his satisfaction.

I noticed that security was following us and made mention of it to Sammy.

Sammy said, "Well, I am wearing this gigantic backpack!"

I continued, "And it probably doesn't help that we ate over a trash can."

We enjoyed a laugh as the guard switched his observational gaze to a glare.

Eventually Sammy settled on a multi-colored bag of cotton candy.

I asked, "Isn't cotton candy suppose to come on a stick?"

Without missing a beat Sammy lowered his voice to a growl, "It will."

For Veteran's Day

From the Veteran's Day tribute this morning in West Hollywood.

I feel honored to have captured this photo. Veteran's rock.

Tales from the Gym Yesterday

I walked into the gym and heard a woman asked the front desk gal,

"Who's teaching the class right now?" She replied, "Tonya."

The woman said, "Oh, she's tough." I chimed in, "Oh, forget that."

The front desk gal said to me, "Well, if you want a tough workout..."

I stop her by joking, "Yea, I don't want a tough workout!"

A personal trainer overheard me and said, "I love that you just said that."

And then we all enjoyed a good laugh.

***

I've been going to the gym with my good and dear friend Sammy.

We always finish with some floor exorcises on a matt in the aerobic room.

The truth: Sammy always finishes with exorises in the aerobic room...

I man the timer.

Yesterday we went in and this guy was atop 10 matts (see pic above).

I made a flippant gesture his direction and cracked-wise,

"What's with 'Princess and the Pea' over there?!"

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 9

Yea, I got Snow White. Well, a drag Snow White - which is even better.

A Message for AIDS on this AIDS Walk Day

The Sweetest Thing Ever

I hope I have someone on my arm when I'm 80.

Chinese Zodiac at LACMA

My friend Rich & I went to see the new Chinese Zodiac exhibit at LACMA.

If you're in LA - check it out. It's pretty cool.

In an interesting coincidence Rich & I were both born in the year of the snake.

Not in the same year tho. We're not even one zodiac cycle apart but - TWO!

That's 24 effing years!

You might say that I'm young at hea... Oh, skip it. I'm not buying that either.

Rich & I make each other laugh - that's ageless & he's highly appreciated.

PS: My photo's do not do this exhibit justice. At all.

For My Mother and Saul

This might just be my favorite photo of my mother. It's tender and sweet.

I took it 2 years ago when her significant other took us to the Grand Canyon.

It was a lovely trip.

Since then Saul's health has betrayed him but he fights daily for full recovery.

And with my mother's help he will surely be good as new again soon.

Yet another reason I wish I had those magical powers I wanted as a kid.

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 8

Rhinestone Cowboy

I spend a lot of time listening to the Classic Country channel on my TV.

Some of the songs they play surely tug on my heart as memories haunt.

Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy more than any other.

It always produces a tear... or a stream of them these days.

As a 10 year-old in 1975 this song was immensely popular.

My father and I were driving cross country and we broke down along the way.

It was a ghost town and we were stuck there for days until the part arrived.

We slept in the car at the service station.

I spent those days wandering around the desert lost in daydreams.

I wanted fame. And I wanted magical powers.

Magical powers would have come in handy right about then, actually.

But more than anything I wanted be best friends with Olivia Newton-John.

I fantasized about all the fun stuff Livvie and I would get up to.

The concert tours. The duets. The awards shows. The Malibu living.

We were ridiculously happy together.

A few years ago I had the opportunity to tell all this when I met her...

Anyway.

Now when I hear Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy it means even more.

You see, he recently disclosed that he is living with Alzheimer's Decease.

Like my father.

I really wish I had those magical powers more than anything right now.

Fvck the World

Yesterday I was feeling blue and spent an hour sitting on a park bench.

I was pretty catatonic and weepy - feeling all over fvck the world-ish.

After a bit a kid came to workout on the bars in front of me.

When he took off his shirt I could not believe my eyes...

Sprawled across his chest was a tattoo telling the story of my day.

He struck up a conversation with me and after awhile I said,

"Ya know, your tattoo reflects my mood today precisely."

He laughed as I continued, "Tho I'm hoping mine is less permanent."

He laughed and said, "You should get high. It helps."

I drummed up the courage to ask him if I could take a photo.

I was nervous about his response but he happily snapped, "Sure!"

He popped into an appropriately surly fvck the world pose...

Then climbed to the top of the monkey bars - perched and pondering.

I yelled up to him and thanked him for the chat and the photo.

And as I left he called down after me, "Live high homie, it's the only way."

Funny Bum

Once upon a long time ago...

While on line at a theater downtown I was approached by a busker.

He introduced himself, "Hello, I am Funny Bum. I tell jokes."

I smiled as he continued, "If you laugh you give me a dollar. We got a deal?"

I thought about it for a second and complied, "Well, you can certainly try."

He reiterated, "Remember, you laugh you gotta pay me."

I nodded as he launched into his first joke: "Why do bees wear yamika's?"

Stumped, I asked, "Ok, why?"

He said, "Because they don't want to be mistaken for wasps!"

Bah-dum-bump. I handed him a dollar.

He continued, "Can Funny Bum try again?"

He was a little old black man and cute as hell so I agreed, "Of course."

He asked, "How do you say Mississippi with only one i?"

I replied, "No idea."

He placed one hand over his left eye and said, "Mississippi."

I frowned, "That my friend, does not get a dollar."

He clapped his hands and said, "Wait, wait, wait. Let me try one more."

I said, "Ok, Funny Bum gets one more shot."

Funny Bum asked, "How do you make a handkerchief dance?"

I thought about it for a few seconds and then shrugged.

He punctuated his punchline with a little hop, "You put a little boogie in it."

Yea, I handed him another dollar.

DIRTY POP!

Beauty CULTure at The Annenberg

There is a great photography exhibit on view at the Annenberg.

If you are in LA you must go... exhibit link: Beauty CULTure.

You know I loved it when in the entrance hangs a photo of Tammy Faye!

The following are a few secret pictures...

***

The bathroom mirror had a video loop inserted of women powdering.

I feigned shock.

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 7

HANDS or, Once You Go Chuck

Once upon a long time ago... I engaged a bus ride to work one morning.

It just happened to be filled with special needs kids heading to the beach.

It was crowded & I found myself standing smack dab in the middle of them.

I was minding my own business when suddenly - and without warning...

A pre-teen girl grabbed my crotch with a firm grip - and wouldn't let go.

After a bit of a struggle I managed to release her violating hand.

Once I regained composure this scorned little girl latched onto me again.

Well, honestly, who could blame her? Once you go Chuck - as they say.

Anyway, this time she squeezed harder and when I looked down at her...

Her face played host to a wicked little grin & she let loose an evil giggle.

I looked over at her chaperon and pointed to our situation and implored,

"Uh, can I get a little help over here?"

The woman let out a loud gasp and simply yelled, "HANDS!"

With that the girl promptly let go off my junk and...

Placed her hands in these little restraints that were sewn onto her pants.

As she sulked I thought: wait a minute... you mean I wasn't her first?

All the same I thought it best to wait until I was off the bus to readjust.

I didn't want the poor dear to explode from frustration.

My Brief Encounter with Jodie Foster

I present to you one of my favorite celebrity moments.

***

Once upon a long time ago I ran into Jodie Foster at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

She was on line behind me and as I realized it was her I had only one thought:

Jodie had cost me an office Oscar pool when she won for The Accused.

It was 100 smackers too. Missed it by one - to tie. Damn Jodie Foster.

It still smarts.

Well, the next thing I know I'm standing next to her at the condiment table.

And I couldn't resist, "Ya know, I didn't win an Oscar pool because of you."

She asked playfully, "Oh yea? Which Oscar?"

I said, "The Accused. I totally didn't see you winning that year."

She pressed further with a broad smile, "Well, who did you pick?"

Stirring my latte I replied, "Glenn Close for Dangerous Liaison."

Jodie snapped the lid back on her cup and then punched her exit line,

"Oh honey, I smoked her."

Hey Dorothy, You Left Your Ruby Reds in WeHo

Remembering 9/11

I took this photo 3 weeks to the day after 9/11.

The site was still burning but it mattered not as throngs flocked to...

PAY THEIR RESPECTS.

While there the only thing one could hear was the heart-wrenching sounds...

Of the people sobbing, often uncontrollably, around you.

Myself included.

It was one of the most emotional days of my life.

***

It's hard to believe that 9/11 marks it's tenth year today.

***

Flag half mast in West Hollywood today.

Coke Bottle Glasses - The Wedding Album

I was asked to photograph a wedding under the Hollywood sign today.

Afterward the wedding party agreed to pose for my Coke bottle project.

Bride, groom and both sets of parents - much to my surprise & delight.

Here is the lovely couple just after they were pronounced wife & husband:

It was a wonderful ceremony. Congrats Britney & Patrick.

With Apologizes to Mr. Schultz...

I'm in Da Freezer

You can't empty a freezer at the store and not expect me to jump in.

It's called a photo op people.

Poof, Another Appears

There are only two real reasons to visit Mykonos - one is for the bar scene and the other its striking beaches. Every summer the warm Mediterranean winds sweep tourists the world over to the tiny Greek island to savor its recreational charms. Although it's a bit of a trek to get out there, I find it's an exceptional way to enjoy a couple day's leisure while traveling, often to exhaustion, throughout Europe.

Evenings in Mykonos begin to excite around midnight at Bar Portas with the gays fervidly throwing-back starter drinks all the while engaged in well-barbed acquaintance chatter. An hour later the crowd moves almost collectively to the larger more accommodating outdoor patio of Pierros Bar and Disco, which is hosted by two German drag queens. They flit about in outrageous get-ups dishing libidinous gaiety all the while successfully braiding the assembly into one grand and cohesive inter-mingled late-night party.

Around 2:30 the drag queens take to a small stage and lip-sinc (in the key of camp) some bitter ditty which is cheered wildly by the throng of inebriates who have long since come to adore them - rapturously. More importantly though, the spectacle serves as the commencement for wee-hour dancing and in no time the entire joint is an uninhibited mass of spirited gays grooving to the music pulsating on the intimate dance floor.

This summer's drag queens are polar opposites, one is quite pretty (photo above) and the other is a dog. On the last of my four nights in Mykonos a third gender illusionist mysteriously arrived and she was easily the best of the three. Concern, and bad make-up, was slapdash all over the lesser drag queens face.

I asked her about this new development and she said in a crisp German accent, "I don't know. Suddenly - poof, another appears. And the bitch is gorgeous. Still, nobody is talking. I think maybe I get fire tonight."

I wished her the best to which she shrugged her exposed shoulders, "Eh, I can always manage work in Ibiza; I am a bit of a famous there. Also, there is interest coming from Berlin."

As she walked away I wondered if the time hadn't come for her to contemplate retirement. I mean, at this point she just looks like a bizarrely painted-up Ethel Mertz - mad with fractured fantasies of drag celebrity.

Oh, who am I to judge? I'm wearing ankle socks and Sketchers.

***

Written: August 23, 2005

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 5

My Best Texas Joke, Part 2

Today as I approached the Texas jokester I realized my tshirt said: London.

He looked at me and said, "Damn, I ain't got no good London jokes."

I snickered, "You ain't got no good Texas jokes either."

I rendered him speechless as he just laughed.

But he seems to enjoy my sarcasm cuz I got another high-five.

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 4

Now I'm getting requests from people to be Coke Bottle Glasses models!

Just Like Pam

I love True Blood. I especially love Pam on True Blood.

She is a raging vampire b!tch. With some great one-liners.

A witch recently cast a 'rotting flesh' spell on her.

The other day I was with my friend Jeremy...

I chewed a bit of my lunch and a piece of my tooth broke off.

I spit it into my hand and Jeremy howled,

"Ewwww, you're rotting just like Pam on the True Blood."

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 3

Hey, You Wanna Hear My Best Texas Joke?

Earlier today I was walking down my street to meet a Jeremy for lunch and mimosas. I was wearing a tshirt that simply said TEXAS in large letter across my chest. A guy (above) working on my neighbors fence asked, "Hey are you from Texas?"

It never fails that when I wear this shirt at least 3 people will ask me if I'm from Texas. I replied, "I'm not."

As I walked passed he asked, "Hey, you wanna hear my best Texas joke."

Now normally I would have kept walking but as he used the word 'best' I was naturally intrigued. I turned around and approached him, "OK, hit me with it."

He proceeded, "A tourist walks into a Texas bar and asks for a glass if beer on tap. The bartender sits a pitcher in front of him. The tourist says, "I wanted a glass not a pitcher." The bartender says, "That is a glass, we just do everything bigger in Texas.""

"A little later the tourist gets hungry and asks the bartender for a steak. When the bartender returns with his meal he brings him a whole hind-quarter of a cow. The tourist says, "I just wanted a steak." The bartender reminded him, "That is a steak, we just do everything bigger in Texas.""

"Finally the tourist asked for the restroom. The bartender says, "It's out back, you can't miss it." The tourist walks out back and falls into a pool and begins to flail his arms and screams, "DON'T FLUSH. DON'T FLUSH!""

I looked at the guy and said, "That's your best Texas joke?"

He said, "I get laughs when I tell it to an actual Texan."

I said, "I've got one. I read this on a bathroom wall once: Here I am alone and flexin' about to squeeze out another Texan."

He gave me a high-five.

Coke Bottle Glasses, Part 2

So yea, I'm having fun with this.