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Roller Boogie Superstar

I spent the morning watching the very moving Michael Jackson Memorial.

Since his death I have been listening to some of my favorite MJ songs.

In 1979 I was 14 and owned the 45 single (still have it) for one of his best -

Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough.

At the time I was also deeply entrenched in the late-70's roller skating craze.

I could skate backwards, do spins, 1-1/2 rotation jumps, shoot the duck.

I'd also put together routines to some of my favorite songs.

In my daydreams I was a major roller boogie superstar.

One rainy night I asked my father to park the car on the street...

And spent HOURS choreographing an energetic routine in the garage to -

Don't Stop 'til You Get Enough.

I was spectacular.

There. I've bared my soul and offered my roller boogie confessions.

 

Bean & Cheese

Driving home from a friends house this afternoon I popped into a Taco Bell.

I always get 3 bean & cheese burritos but I thought I'd only get 2...

OWING TO MY DIET.

I got to the counter & ordered instinctively, "3 bean burritos to go, please."

So much for that.

Driving home I was beating myself up over it - a little.

At a red light there was a man with a sign asking for money.

I saw an opportunity to make right my order.

I rolled down my window & said, "Hey, I don't have any money..."

He frowned a little as I continued, "But I can give you a burrito."

He asked, "Is it bean & cheese? I'm a vegetarian."

I must have made a weird face as I nodded. As he grabbed it he said,

"I know, I know... beggars shouldn't be choosers. Thanks man."

Diane. Me.

My friend Diane and I often 'instant messenger' each other while we take in tennis matches on TV.

She has recently become a grandmother for the first time and I am quite sure that she has in the last month or so since Olivia has been born turned into quite a doting one as well...

We were IM'ing this morning during a match and she didn't respond for awhile... then this conversation occurred:

Diane: Sorry, my daughter called. We got into baby talk.

Me: About the baby and not the actual conversing in it, I hope.

Diane: I hate when people do that baby talking. I already told little Olivia that she will always practice safe sex.

Me: Well, if she does that you will never have a great-grandchild.

Diane: Ha! I also told her that she can never drink and drive.

Me: Well, that won't happen either. She'll drink and drive - her boyfriend crazy.

Pop-Its or, Their Sides Splitting

I was at the 99 Cents Only Store this morning and a twenty-something mother was shopping with her two pre-teen boys. I was behind them a bit and I could tell that the little fellas were restless.

And up to no good...

They were following behind their mother and had secretly picked up a box of Pop-Its, which are little pellets of gun powder that when you throw them on the floor or against a wall they make a gunshot-ish popping sound.

The mischievous little devils poured a few in their hands and threw them on the floor at their mother's feet. There came a rattle of little explosions followed by the high-pitched scream from their mother.

The boys seemed proud of themselves as they fell into hysterical laughter.

An old lady on the next aisle clutched her heart and muttered, "Oh my."

The mother composed herself and turned toward them, "Give me those damn things." She grabbed the box and scolded them, "I'm just about to shove these effing things up your damn asses."

The boys couldn't stop laughing - you could literally see their sides splitting.

I decided to go the other direction as the mother continued, "I'm not playing with you..."

I passed by the old lady who shook her head and through tightenedlips prophesied, "The both of 'em, bound for jail."

Pee-Wee Y Uno Centavo

On Sunday my friend Rosanne and I took a lovely walking tour of the Highland Park neighborhood of Los Angeles. Highland Park plays an important part in the history of LA as one of its very first suburbs and as a stop along the storied Route 66.

At one point we sampled some seafood from a popular eatery that was set up at a table in a park. It was quite good. While the others finished their snacks I noticed a mother with two little girls playing with a pair of pvppies not far from where we had stopped - I ventured over to say hi.

I knelt down and patted the pvppies on the heads and said, "Your pvppies are so cute."

Highland Park is mostly latin and through broken English the woman replied, "Mmm, thank you."

I continued, "What are their names?"

She pointed to the first one and said with a thick accent, "Mmm, ah, Pee-Wee."

I smiled and asked, "And the other?"

She had to think about it and then mumbled in Spanish, "Uno centavo..." Then she looked up at me with a big smile of accomplishment and said, "Heees name ees, mmm, One Cent."

I stood to leave and before I bid them farewell I said, "Well, he looks priceless to me."

A Cure for the Hiccups

I was out with a friend Saturday night and we enjoyed a couple of shots.

After the second one I acquired a wicked case of the hiccups.

Through hick-ups we discussed the recent deaths of Farrah & Michael.

I said sadly, "We really lost <hiccup> two big American icons."

He reminded me, "Don't forget about Ed McMahon."

I replied, "Ed never knocked on my door <hiccup> with no million dollars."

We laughed as the bartender asked if we needed anything.

I asked cheekily, "Do you have a cure <hiccup> for the hiccups?"

He nodded and said, "Why, yes I do."

He filled a shotglass with water, lit 3 matches & doused them in the water.

He served it to me and said, "Don't ask, just drink."

I did. Tasted like matches. I waited. It worked! My hiccups were gone.

The bartender smiled and joked, "That one's on the house."

Um, I Know Who She Is

I couple of weeks ago I read an interview in which tennis star Maria Sharapova sited many things that she would change about the tennis world if she were in charge, here is one thing:

 

The players' lounge isn't a nightclub, either. It's hard to get ready for a match when there's a bleached-out blonde in six-inch stilettos and a demin miniskirt hanging out. Who is this person, and why is she here?

Um, I know who she is!!!!! 

She belongs to/with pro tennis player Dmitry Tursunov. When I went out to the Indian Wells tournament in March my friend Brad and I tripped out on the gal hanging all over Tursunov during his practice session. We laughed cuz we couldn't believe she was dressed for a gentleman's club (or a gladiators ring) right there on the tennis court.

I mean, isn't this just a tacky sports cliche?

Her miniskirt was so tight that from behind it was being swallowed up by her butt-cheeks as she walked. I pointed at her butt and joked, "He better feed that thing soon cuz it's starting to eat her skirt."

Farrah & Michael - A Sad Day in Hollywood

I went to pay my respects to Farrah this morning...

While I was there I popped over to Michael Jackson's...

It hadn't yet become a circus - but it was on the horizon...

Paul Blart, Like from the Movie

This last weekend I went to San Diego to spend Saturday with an old friend.

And Sunday with my Dad for Father's Day.

Sunday morning my friend and I went to the mall to shop for his father.

We went to a card shop and had the gal there wrap his father's gift.

While we waited mall security zoomed by on a Segway.

I laughed, "That's some serious security you have around here!"

She said, "Yea, we all call him Paul Blart, like from the movie Mall Cop."

My friend said, "Like there's a crime ring to bust at the Fashion Valley Mall!"

She rolled her eyes, "He's always mean to me at the dumpers."

To Close the Roof

I rented car to visit my dad for Father's Day in San Diego.

Friendly rental guy upgraded me to a Mustang convertible - free of charge.

I told him that I wasn't a 'convertible person' but he talked me into it.

It was a pretty fun top-down ride down the I-5 until...

I was in the fast lane when the heavens open with heavy rain.

It took a few minutes - managed to pull over to shoulder to put the top up.

I hit the 'close' button about 10 times and it wouldn't budge. I began to panic.

I was just sitting there getting wet as cars passed by - laughing at me surely.

Finally I remembered he said, "Make sure you're in park to close the roof."

WHOOPS. I moved the gear stick from D to P and was enclosed in short order.

Then I turned on the heater to dry out my clothes.

Cash for Gold

A couple months ago I bought a few V8's from the 99 Cents Only Store and while I was driving home I thought that, mmm they might be even more enjoyable if I made Bloody Mary's out of them. Oh and look, a liquor store is coming up!

I parked and went in and asked the clerk for a good yet cheap bottle of vodka. He laughed and said, "Well, I have this one on sale for $7.99. It's unknown and it has little fun flakes of gold in it. Hell, all that gold is probably worth $7.99 alone."

I bought it and have enjoyed a few Bloody Mary's with it over the following months.

After the Pride parade was over Edwin and I came back to my apartment to relax for a few minutes before heading to the festival and he asked if I had anything to drink. I had just enough vodka left to make two drinks and emptied the bottle, flakes and all.

I handed him a glass and cautioned him, "Don't you drink my gold flakes. I'm gonna pan them out and see if they don't supplement my funemployment check."

He laughed, "You can't get any money for that shit!"

I replied, "Bitch, I get spammed everyday damn day from Cash for Gold. I just gotta pan those flakes, throw 'em in an envelope and," I threw my hands in the air for full effect, "Ka-ching!"

Giant Joke Money

Edwin and I hung out this year for the Pride parade and festival. I always attend near the intersection of La Cienega and Santa Monica for the convenience of the liquor store located right there on the corner.

Edwin and I are both currently unemployed and were eager to cut down on costs so for our parade mimosa's we made them with the cheapest champagne the liquor store sold - Andre and Tott's. Did you know that Andre has a screw-off cap? As Fat Albert would say, "That's like school in the summertime - no class."

As we walked to the liquor store for our third bottle Edwin called behind me, "Chuck, I just found $100!" I turned around and he was holding up some giant joke money and he continued excitedly, "This will supplement my FUNemployment check!"

I laughed and as he was about to throw it away I screamed, "Keep it! The liquor store might be able to break a hundred!"

Yea, bad champagne = bad jokes.

Scenes from L.A. Gay Pride Parade & Festival

Sunday, June 14th. Chuck and Edwin observe and report.

As best as the Andre and Tott's will allow...

Every year you can find me watching the parade on the corner of Santa Monica and La Cienega. Main reason? The liquor store on the corner caters to my needs. This year it was champagne for mimosas. 3 bottles. Drunk(ish) by 1pm. How else should one attend?

The parade always kicks off with those Dykes on Bikes. But this year I noticed something peculiar... Dykes on mopeds. That's just wrong.

At first I thought it was Angela Lansbury. Mmm, no... it's Angela Mansbury!

Comedienne and late night E! talk show host Chelsea Handler was the Grand Marshall this year. I love her more than anything and as she passed by I screamed, "Chelsea, you're a hot bich!" She waved a said, "Oh hi gay!" If you know her then you know that that was pure love.

That's my no-pulp mimosa. Not so sneaky, huh?

 

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom - the next Governor of CA?

Lord knows he wrapped up the gay votes years ago.

At the festival some singer calling himself Tim Permanent performed. I overheard the guy standing next to me say to his friend, "I'd say he's more like Tim Temporary."

There was an entire float dedicated to the trans-genders of the Amazon.

Um, who knew?

Haha. No.

My friend Frank was supposed to be selling underwear at a booth in the festival. When I passed by... he was knocked out. And he had a tight grip on that bottle - it still had some booze in it!

Turns out if you mix Andre with Tott's you get a little headache the next day.

Deservedly so...

Fantasia's Day

Last night American Idol Season 3 winner Fantasia headlined the Pride Festival. I am not a big fan of her music but I am a huge fan of her performing style. Honestly, nobody has had this kind of stage presence since the great Tina Turner. Maybe you smirk - but that only means you've not seen her live on stage. End of story.

She did about an hour set which included her hits (unknown to me) and a couple of cover songs. She did Chaka Khan proud with Tell Me Something Good and out Princed Prince with a powerful rendition of Purple Rain. She also performed Gershwin's Summertime, which after 8 seasons of American Idol still remains the best single moment in that show's history - and I've seen them all.

After her set was over the Mayor of West Hollywood came on stage to present Fantasia with a plaque honoring the day as Fantasia's Day and gave her the key to the city.

She was very thankful and then she asked, "Does this mean I getta eat anywhere I want?"

The Mayor shrugged his shoulders as the guy next to me scream toward the stage, "Girl, he don't know."

I laughed and then the guy turned to me and said, "It's kinda late to be giving her this award now, don't you think?"

I thought about the late hour and replied, "Yea, you're right. She's only got like 2 hours left to enjoy her day."

He continued, "Shoot, at this point she only has time to towel off backstage," then he pointed to one of the food vendors, "And grab a hot dog."

Terri Nunn and Berlin

Terri Nunn and Berlin are one of the headliners for the Los Angeles Gay Pride Festival tomorrow night. Many of you may remember them for their early 80's hits, Sex (I'm A...) and The Metro. A few years later they would top the charts worldwide with the love them from the Tom Cruise film Top Gun entitled, Take My Breath Away. (Now you remember!)

For the last decade or so Terri Nunn and Berlin have been performing at a lot of Pride Festivals and 80's concert tours and she is always a welcome addition. Every couple of years they show up here and I am always thankful for their support.

I was chatting with a friend online and mentioned that I may see them perform tomorrow night. He replied, "That's cool."

I continued, "Lord, I can remember the first time I saw them... At the Del Mar Fairgrounds in," I paused to think of the year, "1984."

He inadvertently made me feel old ancient, "LOL, that was 25 years ago!

***GULP*** ***CHOKE*** ***INHALE*** ***HANG UP ON 911***

Yea, I could do without his spooky math.

About Three Weeks

As many of you may know, I drive a 1971 VW bug. It's a classic car and often times I am complimented by pedestrians and fellow motorists for having cool wheels.

This morning I was at a stop sign and a 20-something girl was crossing in front of me, "Hey, would you mind if I took a picture of your car?"

I said, "Not at all."

She continued, "Would you mind just pulling over real quick?"

I not sure why I did but as I was sitting there waiting for her to fish her camera out of her purse she asked, "Could you get out of the car for picture?"

I got out and she took the pic and then engaged me in conversation, "I'm making a student film and the lead character is supposed to drive an old bug."

I smiled, "Oh cool."

She continued, "How would you feel about letting me use your car for the film I'm shooting?"

I asked, "Really? How long would you need it?"

She responded, "About three weeks."

I asked further, "Would I get a fee?"

She laughed, "Well, no. It's a student film. I could see about getting you a 'special thanks' in the credits."

I summarized, "So, you want me to just hand you over my car with no compensation for 3 weeks?" I laughed, "Sorry, but I don't think so."

She frowned and then got snippy, "Well, we're looking for an old convertible anyway."

We Can Do This In English

Chux in Paris - Nov '06.

A couple of years ago I was drinking my sorrows away in a bar called Mixer in the Marais district of Paris. I was well into my third beer when I saw a couple of guys walk into the bar - one hung back while the other squeezed in next to me to order a round of drinks.

He made his order in French and the bartender shrugged his shoulders like he didn't understand what he was saying. The guy tried again.

The bartender shook his head and said in that condescending French way, "We can do this in English, I have the skill."

The guy apologized and then ordered the drinks in English. His friend grew impatient and leaned in, "What the hell is taking so long."

I butted in and joked, "This bitch thought he could order your shit in French."

It was a risky butt-in but they both laughed, thank goodness. And they stuck around for a bit of a chat. They were American's on holiday - which was refreshing for conversation's sake. We laughed and carried-on with our various stories of travel. It turned out they had been partnered for 10 years and have a happy home in Brooklyn.

About a half hour into our new-found friendship I asked, "So, what actually brings you guys to Paris?"

The guy who didn't order the drinks said, "Well, we are celebrating the teaching credential and teaching job he just secured."

I turned to congratulate him, "Wow, that's great! What subject do you teach?"

He replied with an arched brow, "I am a French teacher."

My smile conveyed the proper amount of embarrassment as I said, "Oops. I'm so sorry about that dumb joke earlier. I had no idea." I paused and then added, "Well, don't go teachin' your students how to order a drink."

How Gay is Gay, Indeed.

When I take Girlfriend for her daily walks we always pass by the West Hollywood Library. It's a shoddy building that is finally going to be torn down and replaced by a state-of-the-art mega-library to rival the one in Beverly Hills just down the street. One thing is certain, the homeless will have much better digs for their afternoon naps.

Every time we walk by it though I am always haunted for a few seconds by an incident that happened to me in 9th grade at my neighborhood library growing up in San Diego. In my memory it kind of looks the same and has that similar 70's vibe - low ceilings and a dank interior.

9th grade would make be about 15 years old and walking home from school everyday I would have to pass the library to which I would pop in and do a little after-school studying. It was a safe place to hide with my discovery - the fact that I was gonna be a little different. And by a little, I mean gay.

Unlike a lot of gay kids going through this sadly silent and lonely adolescent phase I wasn't confused or ashamed, rather I was excited and thrilled - I just had nobody to talk to about it. The year was 1980 and there were snippets here and there in magazines and on television about 'the gays' and the only thing I really gleamed from those 'shocking' news items was that I was going to have to move to Los Angeles, San Francisco or Manhattan to enjoy acceptance.

I would spend hours fantasizing a fabulous life for myself in New York City. I'd be rich and famous and have an extended family of gays to enjoy the holidays, birthdays and those scandalous weekends at Studio 54. Liza might even want to be my best friend, you never know. Oh, and I could roller-disco all night long and show off all my latest roller-skate routines. That was key.

Remember this was a time before computers and even micro-phish - we had to rely on that old library dinosaur we called 'the card catalog'. Well, one day I decided I would look for a few articles in Time and Newsweek about the gay lifestyle. I found three magazines in the periodical archives and wrote them down for the librarian to retrieve for me.

It took me half an hour to drum up the nerve but I was determined. I handed her the slip of paper with my three requests and while she was gone I managed to wind myself up into an even bigger ball of nerves. Sweat was building at my temples and my shirt began to stick to my skin. If I were in a bank a teller would surely have thought me a burgler.

About 5 minutes later she returned with three magazines. She had to check them out to me so she laid them out on the counter one-by-one. Suddenly I was confronted with something I never considered - the gay articles I wanted to read were all COVER STORIES. One had same-sex hand-holding and the word GAY in a big font written across it twice, the next featured drag queens in bright-colored feathers and the third had guys in hardcore leather walking along the Castro.

I wanted to die. Seriously, I wished in that moment that the ground beneath me would open and swallow me whole. What was I thinking? Clearly not. It was one of those moments when I really wished I had those Jeannie powers I day-dreamed of so I could blink myself ANYWHERE else - back to my bottle would have been best.

I managed, with wobbly knees, to walk to a table far from anyone and placed the magazines face down and crouched so that the librarian couldn't see me. The minute she was out of site I bolted for the door and never set foot into that library again. It was no longer a safe place to hide. I had inadvertantly outed myself to a librarian who probably didn't even care but no matter, it was now a danger zone. Like I said, this time was a sadly silent and lonely adolescent phase.

Everyday as I walk past the WeHo library that memory returns to me and everyday I wonder - so, why didn't I end up in Manhattan?

***

(Click HERE for the actual article in the Time mag cover above - that I finally read today.) 

Getting Around To

I had a friend over for a nice evening of chat last night and I mentioned to him that if I went to the 99 Cents Only Store every day I could probably create a funny blog specific only to my visits. There never fails to be some sort of strangeness happening each and every time I walk through their doors, as you have read...

We spoke further about it and I told him proudly, "You know when I go there I walk my cart up and down each and every aisle. There are three big rooms to that store and I have covered every effing inch of it."

He smiled and joked sarcastically, "What about the backroom?"

I thought about that and said, "Aw," then I rubbed my stomach and continued, "I once had tummy trouble while shopping there and had to use their bathroom. A couple times actually. So, yes, I have even been in the backroom."

It was not something he needed to hear and he responded, "Good lord Chuck, have you parked your fat ass on every toilet in West Hollywood? Or are there a precious few you are still getting around to?"

I Really Love Turkey

Last night while I was waiting for the bartender to serve me the pitcher of beer I ordered I overheard a woman next to me exclaim with a fair bit of enthusiasm to her friends, "I really love turkey."

I thought that was an odd thing to say and couldn't help myself so I turned to the woman and playfully asked, "Breast? Or drumstick?"

She gave me a bit of stink-eye for butting in and then moaned matter-of-factly, "The country."

I smiled and then risked a follow-up joke, "Oh, well that would be dark meat!"

She decided to play along and squeezed the boob of her gal-pal and laughed wryly, "Actually, if you must know, I like the breast."

Have a Lighter?

(Dog in the car next to me on Santa Monica Blvd - which has nothing to do with this story!)

Today I received a solicitation at my door.

A teenager stood there and as soon as he saw me he launched into his spiel.

Asking for donations for the half-way house he lives in - or something.

I stopped him and said, "Sorry dude, I don't have any money to give you."

He held up a cigarette and asked, "Well, do you happen to have a lighter?"

I went and got a book of matches and told him to keep it. He thanked me.

"Lighting this damn stick is way better than any donation you could make."

Clowns Scare

Over the years I have heard several people say that clowns scare them.

I have never really held that opinion.

The other day I had to sidestep this nightmarish clown.

Totally get it now.

I Ain't Carrying

Yesterday 0bama was at the Beverly Hilton in Beverly Hills attending a fundraiser. Several groups came out to protest. There were anti-war demonstrators and there was crowd protesting Don't Ask Don't Tell - a policy 0bama promised to repeal when he campaigned for the gay vote. It hasn't happened and doesn't look likely to be overturned anytime soon.

I don't live too far from the hotel so Girlfriend and I walked down there to check it out.

I ran into an old friend and I pointed out a laughable anti-war protester, "Look at that guy and his two signs... Um, I really don't think motorists zipping by can read all his messages!"

He laughed, "Right." Then he asked me, "Hey, how come you aren't participating?"

I explained, "I am really here to bear witness. Besides, I am not big on chanting silly slogans and I ain't carrying no sign."

He agreed with me, "Yea, I ain't carrying anything either!"

I waited a beat for comic timing, arched my brow and hit him with my barb, "Except for maybe a little syphilis."

Excuse Me Perez

Luke Worrell, Shaina Moakler, Kelly Osbourne, Emmy Rossum, Perez Hilton

Last night I attended the big Prop 8 ruling protest rally in West Hollywood. I had Girlfriend with me so as to not upset her in the throng of people we stood behind the flatbed truck that served as the stage.

I had no idea that we'd soon be surrounded by celebrities.

The infamous blogger Perez Hilton and his group were near me for awhile and he kept getting approached by some really interesting people. And I employ the word interesting to be polite.

At one point a gal tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me Perez, I wanted to introduce myself to you. I'm (I forget the name)..." She paused and then added, "From Hell's Kitchen."

He looked puzzled and replied, "Uh ok, hi."

She continued, "I was on season 2 - I finished 3rd."

That helps!

He repeated himself but with half of the non-interest he'd already showed her previously, "Uh ok, hi."

I was embarrassed for her and had to walk away. As I relocated I was thinking, I'm from Hell's Kitchen, season 2, finished 3rd - who does that? The look on his face suggested that he gets that all the time.

And some might call that karma...

Drew Barrymore gave an impassioned speech.

Kathy Griffin attended with her mom - and her D-List cameras!

Smell My Meat

Girlfriend and I took a bus ride downtown today. I have a bag she sits in with a little flap that opens so that she can poke her head out. She likes to be able to see me, it provides her comfort.

A very odd woman sat next to us at one point and didn't notice Girlfriend at first until Girlfriend moved a little and then woman exclaimed, "Oh woooooow! Hiiii!" Then she asked, "What's her name?"

I replied trying not to choke on her smokers breath, "Girlfriend."

She screamed, "You know that's right!" Then she asked Girlfriend, "Hey, whaz-up Grrrrrlfriend?!"

The woman opened her purse and started to dig for something. Girlfriend was curious and moved her head closer to the purse. The woman said frankly, "I think she can smell my meat."

I didn't know what to think about that comment and stuttered in shock, "Ex-x-x-cuse me?"

She laughed and explained, "I always carry six or seven cheeseburgers in my purse. But I'm out. So, sorry Girlfriend, I ain't got no meat for you today."

I was relieved.

Then the woman felt compelled to tell me why she was all out of cheeseburgers, "I had just came from my doctors appointment and when I was in the waintin' room all the kids came rushin' over on me because they could smell my meat. So I gave all the kids my cheeseburgers."

It pained me to grin, "That was very nice of you."

She pulled the bus cord to get off at the next stop and before she said goodbye she gave closure to her story, "I'm gettin' off right here at La Brea to go to that McDonald's to re-stock up on my cheeseburgers." She exhaled heavily and shook her head, "I just don't feel right without all my cheeseburgers."

More Bang for the Buck

My friend Edwin and I years ago use to hang out all the time but for the last few years it has really tapered off to once every six months, or so. The other night we dicided to have on off our old school bar crawls - which were never for the faint-of-heart.

We bagan with happy hour at an old haunt where we were greeted with something they were wisely calling 'recession buster' pitchers of beer which the bartender told us offered, "More bang for the buck."

When we finished the pitcher we headed to another old stomping ground that was serving 2-4-1 cocktails so we ordered a couple of vodka/cranberries. When Edwin handed me my drink I said, "The very definition of 2-4-1 is - more bang for the buck."

Later we headed to yet another joint we use to frequent. There was one bartender and a bar-back and I ordered a couple vodka/cranberries from the barback because the bartender had stepped away for something in the storeroom.

When the bartender returned he looked at our drinks and playfully asked a question he already knew the answer to, "Those drinks look awfully red, did he put enough vodka in them for you?"

In unison we cried out, "NO!"

When the bartender went to get the bottle of vodka Edwin whispered to me like he'd won the lottery, "Now we don't have to buy another round."

I nodded, "Yep, more bang for the buck."

It Sure is Blue

At happy hour last night my friend Edwin and I happened on to a porn star meet and greet.

While the porn star was signing an autograph for an adoring fan Edwin laughed, "Look at that guy's drink, it sure is blue."

I joked, "He must be prepping for a cat scan."

Aqua Globes - Not As Seen On TV

Have you seen the info-mercial for the Aqua Globe? You know, those hand-blown glass bulbs that you fill with water and jam into your potted plants so you don't have to be bothered to remember to water them ever again - instant green thumb.

The info-mercial would have you to believe that your patio will spring to life overflowing with wildly healthy and abundant greenery. Your friends will wonder, "Wow, where does he find the time?" They will also marvel, "Yes, those colorful globes in the pots really was that missing motif."

Yesterday I walked by the plant pictured above. With two decorative Aqua Globes crammed into its base it's decidedly not As Seen On TV. The info-mercial mentions several times that you will no longer be pestered to water your plants... It doesn't tell you that you have to remember to refill the Aqua Globes - which may just be a hassle in itself!

That poor plant looks like something that happens to Charlie Brown every December - which does not make for good product testimonial. I'll just stick to my trusty watering can.

Stretching Her Dollar

(Misty with her Chester and my Girlfriend)

Yesterday my friend Misty and I went to the 99 Cents Only Store. We spent about 45 minutes cruising the aisles like good bargain shoppers. I got a weeks worth of healthier-choiced rations and managed to not pick anything up on the candy aisle. Misty bought a bunch of Cup o' Soup and some Fiddle Faddle.

While we were at the check stand Misty pointed out the pregnancy test on the end-cap and editorialized, "Now, I think that's one thing I might go to a regular store to buy." She picked up the generic brand box and waved it in the air, "I mean, I'm gonna trust this?"

As we were walking to the car I asked, "Oh, speaking of pregnancy tests... Did you see that woman in the line next to us with those three little kids and she was pregnant with another one on the way?"

Misty replied, "Oh I know. She needs to get a box of them 99 cent condoms that are sittin' right next to the pregnancy tests!"

I went with it, "Right! Like she needs any more kids, she's already at the 99 Cent Store stretchin' a dollar."

Misty laughed, "It's crazy, huh?"

Then I joked, "She's obviously tryin' to see which she can stretch the furthest - a dollar or her uterus!"

Five Even / Five Odd

Have you ever noticed that at street fairs and festivals there always seems to be the same lame food vendors? And it's all barely edible junk...

At a festival on the weekend Don and I were trying to figure out which food option to choose and after considerable time Don finally gave in, "I'm just gonna have a hot dog."

We approached the hot dog lady and after Don placed his order she said, "That'll be five even."

Don looked at her with an arched brow and joked, "Shouldn't that be five odd?"

She looked confused so I explained, "You know, because five is actually odd - not even."

She laughed, "You got me."

The woman on the other side of the counter then passed her a plate with an empty bun on it and she in turn handed it to Don, "Here you go..."

Before she could finish her sentence (she later instructed him to pick up his hot dog at the grill) Don yelled, "Hey, there's no meat on that thing!"

She laughed, "That's what we call our low-cal hot dog!"

My Yahoo Spam Filter

For the last few weeks my Yahoo spam filter has let a few slip through. 

Every single damn day I seem to get alerted to 'plus size fashions'. Um...

ALRIGHT ALREADY - I'M ON A FREAKIN' DIET!

Now, about that 'beach vacation'...

Afterhours in West Hollywood

Afterhours in WeHo tends to get a little sloppy - if not a might blurry.

This gal, so that she could text, stuffed a whole slice of pizza in her mouth.

Then she posed for me while her friend goofed on her in an Asian language.

Sometimes I should just give up the ghost and go home.

A Dino Feeding

Mmm, din-dins!

3 Neighborly No-No's

(A tote-bag through a store window.)

There are 3 neighborly no-no's where I am concerned with the helping out.

I got hit with all 3 by the same neighbor last week.

Monday he asked, "Hey dude, you got a role of toilet paper I can borrow?"

A couple of days later, "Hey dude, you got a light bulb I can borrow?"

And then, "Hey dude, you got any quarters I can buy off you for laundry?"

My neighborly answers in order, "Nope, sorry." "Gee, I need one myself."

And, with my neck involved, "Bitch, you need to back up off my quarters!"

The San Diego Chicken or, Cluck Off

A few months ago I happened to be wandering downtown Los Angeles and ran across a guy dressed in a chicken suit in a solo protest against the eating of chickens. He was shuffling about in front of an El Pollo Loco bopping his head front-to-back chicken-like and going up to folks chirping, "Cluck off. Cluck off." He almost got punched a number of times.

I had forgotten I took a photo of him while he was taking a break. I came across it yesterday and laughed once again at his strange cause. I was then taken back to a childhood memory of the San Diego Chicken - a very popular advertising mascot in San Diego, my hometown.

The San Diego Chicken first appeared as a radio station gimmick (The KGB-fm Chicken) in the mid-70's and was performed by a fellow named Ted Giannoulas. A few years later there came a lawsuit which Ted ultimately won giving him the rights to 'The Chicken' suit and there after he became known as simply, The San Diego Chicken.

The San Diego Chicken was quite funny. He would taunt the visiting teams on the field. He famously goofed on the umpires by checking their eyesight with eye-charts (video below). And he would always make time to meet the kids who thrilled to his antics.

All these years later Ted Giannoulas is still performing as The San Diego Chicken.

Ted's first appearance after he won the rights to the mascot was a 're-hatching' at a Padre's baseball game. During the 7th inning stretch he was towed out onto center field inside a giant egg and as the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme music blared from the sound system he slowly pecked his way out of the shell as the stadium cheered him on with a deafening roar. It was all very dramatic and if for just one night, The Chicken was the toast of all San Diego.

Afterward he went to the stands out in right field to sign autographs for us kids. Just before it was my turn with The Chicken a foxy lady in a halter top and tight fitting jeans squeezed up next to him and shamelesly hit on him. The Chicken held her beer and took a drag off of her cigarette (through his beak!) as she jotted down her phone number for a post game pluck.

As she walked away he called after her, "I'll see you later babe." Then he offered me an explaination, "Sorry, just trying to get laid. You'll understand in a couple years."

Even at 14 I was quick with a quip and as he (chicken) scratched his signature on the back of my ticket stub I joked, "I thought the only thing you could lay was a fresh early morning egg."

In All of Paris Tonight

In the summer of 2003 my friend Don and I spent a few weeks bouncing around Europe. The first stop on our schedule was Paris. It was a long 11 hour non-stop from Los Angeles to the City of Lights and by the time we landed we were pretty exhausted from the flight. Coach class, ya know...

After we processed through immigration at Charles de Gaulle we got on the subway that was supposed to take us to our hotel. I had arranged for 2 rooms at a bed and breakfast located above the oldest gay bar in the Marais district of Paris. I had also mapped out how to get there from the subway. But no... somehow I got confused and I had us depart from the subway a stop too soon but I assured Don, "It's ok, from the looks of the map we are not too far. We can just walk."

Once we got up to the street level we were met by the heatwave that was gripping Paris at the moment. It sure was hot - really hot. And lugging our bags, even on wheels, was persperatory madness.

Our hotel was on a street called Rue Vieille du Temple. As we walked we came across a street called Rue du Temple and I shout, "Success! But I don't know which way. Let's try to our left."

We walked up Rue de Temple. We walked down Rue du Temple. We walked up Rue du Temple again. Nothing. We were not 'with it' enough to realize that Rue du Temple wasn't the right street at all - our street, Rue Vielle du Temple, would end up being a few blocks over...

By this time we were dripping with sweat from dragging our crap all up and down Rue du Temple. Finally I had an idea, "Don, why don't you stay here and I'll run around to see if anyone can help us."

Don was all too happy to rest, "Good idea."

I was off. I stopped about 6 or 7 people in the street to ask them if they knew the location of Bar Central. They either didn't speak English or simply didn't know. Finally I approach an odd looking fellow who looked decidedly 'Euro Trash.' I asked, "Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help me. I am looking for Bar Central. I am staying at the hotel above it and I am kinda lost."

He replied with a deep French accent, "Ah funny. This bar is exactly the place I am off to in this very moment."

I found that peculiar, "You are?"

He explained, "I'm working there until Friday last. I am picking up my final pay. I'm Pierre, come just follow me."

I explained to him, "Well, my friend is up the street, can you wait here while I go get him?"

He said he would and I quickly went to get Don - who had spent his time waiting for me by enjoying a pastry he purchased at a corner shop. Wait, he couldn't get one for me? Anyway...

Pierre showed us the error we made in confusing the streets and soon enough we arrived at the bar. The innkeeper had just popped out so Pierre bought a round of beers while we waited.

After awhile Pierre remember, "Ah. I am running the most popular disco tonight. It's American 80's pop music themed. It is the place to be in all of Paris tonight. Give me your names and I will put you on my guest list."

I looked at Don and we shrugged in unison, then I turned to Pierre, "Why not? We don't have any plans tonight. Do we just tell the doorman that Pierre sent us?"

Pierre recoiled scrunching up his face and barked like a true pissy Parisian, "No. Never. When clubbing I am called - Vartosh!"

I Do Not Have Two Mommies

(A flower garden at the Citadel in Budapest.)

This morning I walked to a local specialty shop to get a couple of Mother's Day cards - one for my mother and another for my step-mom. I spent a few minutes perusing my options and then took my selections to the saleswoman to pay.

She noticed I had two cards and in a high-pitched baby voice she said, "Ooh, do you have two mommies?"

I was initially disturbed that she was talking to me like I was a 4 year old until I realized that she meant - two mommies two mommies. I shook my head moaning, "No. No. No. No. No. No. No."

The gal looked embarrassed so I explained, "I do not have two mommies. The second one is for my..."

She finished the sentence for me, "...step-mother."

She apologized and I replied, "I guess given the neighborhood two mommies might be a fair assumption. But now that vision is gonna haunt me for the rest of the day."

Ongina

Saturday night I met Ongina, the 5th place finisher on the recent and highy entertaining Logo reality show RuPaul's Drag Race: The Search for America's Next Drag Superstar. I was a little hammered which, as it turns out, is the only way I'd ever ever be - on gina!

The Hobo's Crossing

Yesterday I was sitting at a red light and as I waited for the green I watched a homeless man struggle with his shopping cart on the corner trying to decide which way he would cross.

Naturally just as the opposing light turned yellow the homeless guy stepped off the curb to cross in front of my car which I was preparing to trundle down the street. The hobo's crossing was quite slow and the SUV behind me was in no mood to let this one slide un-editorialized as he laid on his horn.

Irked, the homeless guy turned to face my car head-on. He held outstretched his arms and then in a not-so-graceful sweeping movement he yanked them, thumbs inward, to point to what was written on his shirt yelling, "Read this, a-holes."

I did. And in a pleasant enough font his shirt read : I can only be nice to one person a day. Today I pick me.

Made to Pull Things

On our walk yesterday Girlfriend and I ran into an old bar friend of mine. One of those people that I enjoy exchanging barbs back and forth with like a competitive tennis match. Course, I usually win.

Whenever we see him he always jokingly volunteers to become Girlfriend's agent, "You know we could make a fortune off her in the movies!"

Yesterday Girlfriend wouldn't hold still and wasn't in the mood to wait for me to have any sort of lengthy conversation. My friend noticed and said, "She sure is pulling on that thing."

I barbed as usual, "Well, can you blame her? Like all of your tricks - she just wants to get away from you!"

He replied, "No bitch. I think that kind was made to pull things. Like all the bricks to build the Aztec pyramids. They were bred to pull those brinks and now they have the instinct to pull things."

Um ok. I'm pretty sure my little six pounder was never meant to help build pyramids but I continued in his direction, "Well, good thing cuz if I don't get a job soon she's gonna be pulling all my stuff in a shopping cart all over West Hollywood."

The Swine Flu Pandemic

I'm so totally protected.

I'm also armed with some pocket-sized Purrell.

Chux in Puerto Vallarta

All this talk of the swine flu coming out of Mexico made me realize that I never posted a photo album of any of my trips to Puerto Vallarta. I have compiled the best of my five visits which can be viewed by clicking on the album in the right-hand column, or by clicking HERE. I haven't been to PV since Feb '08 and I'm dying to get back - this swine flu thing needs to end first tho.

Remembering Bea Arthur - In Three, Two...

Photo from Life Magazine

Over the weekend we lost television sitcom legend Bea Arthur to cancer - she was 86. In my pre-teen years Bea became an early favorite of mine through her sharp-tongued portrayal of the title character in the landmark comedy Maude. A decade later she would seal my love for her as my favorite Golden Girl, Dorothy Zbornak.

R.I.P.

About twelve years ago I had the good fortune to meet Bea. She was starring in a play in Beverly Hills called After Play. The producers bought ad time at the radio station I worked for and they scheduled Bea to come to the station and I was to record the spot.

Bea came in accompanied by two producers and her personal assistant. I shook her hand and naturally made a little fuss, "It's a pleasure to meet you Ms. Arthur. I am a big fan. In fact, I rank Dorothy Zbornak as one of the great TV characters of all-time."

Turns out her hearing was shot; I don't think she heard a word I said as she batted away some other compliment she must've been used to hearing, "I know darling, thank you."

The producer handed her the script and I placed her in the sound booth. I couldn't believe I was about to direct Maude, Dorothy, Bea. She said, "Let me just read through this once and then we can lay it down."

I reminded her, "This is a 60 second spot so I'll let you know how you where you come in at."

She looked over the rim of her glasses, gave me a wink and then read the script... with that low and unmistakably barbed voice. Pure heaven.

Once she finished I informed her, "That was about 9 seconds too long, you'll need to tighten it up just a little. Whenever you're ready."

She counted down, "In three, two..."

Like a pro she finished just under time. I cooed, "That was wonderful Ms. Arthur. And with one second to spare. Would you like to do another for good measure?"

Bea replied, "No. I think you got what you need."

One take baby!

As she thanked me for my time she handed me two tickets to the play and gave me these parting words, "I hope you enjoy the show dear."

Always have Bea, always have.

A UPS Truck had Overturned

I live just below the rock 'n' roll section at the west end of the Sunset Strip - in fact, the famed Whiskey a Go-Go is just up the street on the corner. Yesterday I walked up (a fairly steep hill) to Sunset to get a bottle of wine from the liquor store just there and at the intersection of Sunset and San Vicente I encountered a accident - a UPS truck had overturned.

It seems the UPS driver double-parked on the other side of the intersection and ran in to an office to quickly make his drop. While he was tending to business the parking brake gave way and the un-manned truck rolled down the hill and through the light. Out-of-control, the truck hit a couple pedestrians and cars before it flipped over and made it resting place at the entrance of new London Hotel.

I got to the scene after the ambulance had departed but I could see a little pool of blood beginning to harden on the asphalt. It looked a bit creepy but an eye-witness to the event assured me that the injured man would be fine. Not so the two parked cars the truck totaled.

This particular intersection is where the Star Line Tour bus makes its turn off of Sunset Blvd to travel a couple blocks down the hill to get to Santa Monica Blvd. Basically this little stretch of San Vicente Blvd is the corridor with which the tour company connects Hollywood to Beverly Hills.

As I was walked on one of the tour buses pulled up to the light and while the driver was being instructed by a police officer to detour I heard the tour guide say over the PA to her passengers in a dramatic 'actress-y' tone, "All right folks, this is not a scene from a movie. This is an actual real-life Los Angeles accident."

Red Hats and Bibles

This morning I made my weekly visit to the 99 Cents Only Store. And what's an outing to the 99 Cents Only Store without a freakish story? Not possible.

I was on line behind an elderly man buying a bunch of red hats and two pink bottles of something. I was trying to figure it out and the best I could come up with was that they were bottles of Disney Princesses Bubble Bath. At least that's what I'm going with...

As I was staring at the bottles the guy turned around and saw me contemplating his items on the conveyor belt and said in a grumpy voice, "I hope you didn't come here to buy any red hats."

I shook my head, "No, no, I'm all good."

He explained, "Well, in any case you won't find one cuz I got 'em all."

I re-assured him with a laugh, "No really, it's all good."

As he was fishing out his money to pay the checker he continued, "Any time I see red hats here I clean 'em out." Then as he grabbed his bag to walk out he said, "I buy 'em all cuz ya never know. Ya just never know."

Ooooh, but I do know...

***

Also... Even though I am not a religion sort - I found it strangely disturbing that you could buy a Bible, Testaments Old and New, for 99 cents. The current World Almanac sure, but the Bible?

Get Me Outta Here!

I had to take Girlfriend to see her doc yesterday.

But before we could see her we were visited by the assistant who took all of her vitals and as he was prepping a thermometer he said, "I'm gonna need you to hold her with her rear facing me."

I complied and as he lifted her tail he asked, "Hey Girlfriend, what kind of dog can tell time?"

She didn't answer.

Just as he rammed the thermometer up her pooper he followed with his punchline, "A watch dog!"

I smirked thinking he was weird as Girlfriend whimpered.

***

As we were at the reception desk preparing to leave the gal working there gave me instructions on how to administer her medications, "Give both of these to her twice a day and it'll be helpful if she eats just before takings her meds. It's 2:48."

I looked at the clock just beyond her head and noticed that she was about ten minutes off and as I reached for my wallet I asked, "So, how much do we owe you?"

She repeated, "It's $248."

I grimaced and choked, "Oh, I thought you had given me the time."

So Hot in LA

I attempted a heath inspired walk today.

I got about 2 blocks and snapped the photo above.

I walked 1 more block but it was so hot in LA I had to abandoned my walk.

I turned for home and took a health inspired two hour nap.

With People Names

Joe Jerry and I took Girlfriend to a d0g park in Hillcrest.

We met a pvppy named Steve or something similar - memory fails.

I told him that I didn't care for @nim@ls with people names.

I was just being contrary - honestly, I don't care what you name your fur-kid.

He frowned, "Then you must have not liked that my c@t was named Ralph."

I countered, "No, that's a really cool name because it means 'throw up.'"

Joe Jerry didn't even attempt to hide his discomfort.

Something New They Called - Email

I ran across this old photo taken of me sitting in the cubicle of my first real job. I was the fill-in person in an accounting department for a high-end office furniture dealership. I looked at the pic for a few minutes trying to figure out which was more shocking - my youthful face, the amount of gel I managed to host on my head or that dinosaur behind me we called a computer.

I decided it was the computer and just the sight of that old relic took me back 20 years to a very funny memory...

At the time I was very close with a gal who called herself, L - short for Lynn. For a long spell we were inseparable; she slept on my couch for awhile and we worked together. Well, 'work' wouldn't quite be the word to use for us as we spent so much of our day goofing off and trying to keep one step ahead of trouble.

One night L and I rented a video - some French film that I can't remember the title of - it starred two actors who were hot for each other and about 30 minutes into the film it, like all French films of the time, dissolved into soft-porn.

L and I decided to make the film more interesting as we took on the characters roles, reciting the sub-titles and really making an entertaining evening of it. When we were faced with the first sex scene we panted, grunted and moaned along with them and finally in the throes of passion the French woman did some dirty-talk and L was quick to recite her line. Which she did without realizing that it was so completely raunchy until after she had spoken it. (I would repeat the line here as it is forever burned into my memory but it is too uncomfortably naughty and my mother is reading this...)

After we realized what L had said we both looked at each other in shock. Then we melted into pools of tears from the intense laughter that followed. We rewound the scene a million times and laughed just as hard with each viewing. By the end of the evening we both had tummy-aches from the laughter. And that line stayed with us for weeks. I would call her extension at work and burp it over the phone-line or she'd whip it out while at lunch and we'd once again, die laughing.

Around the same time our company was getting a program added to our computers. It was something new they called - email! Not quite the email system as we know it today. It resembled more of a text message on the bottom of our computer monitors and it didn't have a history of anything received or sent.

Our head computer guy was a frumpy old man well into his 60's and worked mostly out of his home in Arizona. I don't remember how that worked really but we only saw him a few days out of the month. His name was Sam and you couldn't accuse him of having any social graces; he was tremendously odd.

He spent months on the email system and finally one day it was a go... Each person was assigned a number and to send a co-worker an inter-office (no outside world yet) message you had to employ one of those F buttons at the top of your keyboard (yes, they once had a functioning purpose!) and type your message and then wait for a reply. It was kind of funky, this new technology - it'll never catch on.

About the third day into having this new system I heard L laughing on the other side of our shared cubicle partition. Of course I ran over to see what was so funny. She howled, "Like you don't know!" I looked at her blankly and she continued more seriously, "You didn't get my email? Don't mess with me asshole!"

She ran over to my computer hoping that it was delayed and once she realized that she had probably sent it to the wrong person she told me that she had sent me that filthy phrase from the French film, "Oh Chuck, I don't know who I could have sent that to." She grew panicked, "What if it was the owner? I'm so fired right now."

A few minutes passed and L got a reply from frumpy old Sam in Arizona that simply asked, "Huh?"

She left it alone and called in sick on the day of his next visit.

PS: A photo of L and I on the next page.

The Fuddy Duddy's

Back in the summer of '91 I, along with a few friends (including Diane on the left next to me and Gymmy second from the right), went on a river rafting adventure down California's Kern River. It was a summer after a winter with heavy snow so the rapids promised to be extra fun.

The six of us drove to central California and met up with the tour which consisted of five boats in all and we were lucky that we had just enough of us to fill our own boat. It became clear fairly quickly that the other boats were filled with a partying crowd. They were all loud and obnoxious and pretty much just looking to get laid. We hated them. They ignored us.

Which made for a really boring weekend for the poor guy who captained our boat.

Some of the guys on the other boats went in for some rough house. They would jump into the other boats and create water-dretching disturbances - all in the good name of flirtation. One guy tried that with our boat early on and Diane, who spent the 2-day journey next to me at the front of the boat, lowered her voice and toggled her finger, "We are not here to have fun with you." With that, we were happily ostracized for the rest of the weekend.

We made camp for the night at the halfway point and I was a bit disappointed in the activity of the rapids, they seemed too simple. The guy running the show assured me while he was making dinner, "Yea, the good stuff gonna come tomorrow." He was missing a few teeth.

Dinner came with its own frustration - in the form of yellow jackets. These pesky little bees swarmed the food on your plate the second it was stationary so the trick was to keep moving (quickly) while you tried to eat. Just how does one out-fox a winged creature with a stinger? Diane didn't have the answer and after two bites she slammed her plate in the trash screaming, "These damn bees won't stop trying to ride my chicken."

We slept under the stars that night and I shared the air mattress that Diane borrowed from her sister. Which turned out to be broken. Somewhere it sprung a leak so we had to keep inflating it - we would over-compensate so that we could deflate at a lower clip. We'd start with a big bubble and try to relax until we felt the rocks digging into our backs and then we'd get up to inflate it again. It was a 45-minute cycle but like Diane aptly pointed out, "Better than dealing with the ants." Which were terrorizing the ground sleepers.

Then there were the bats. At first we just figured they were birds until Diane deduced, "I think they're bats." Then as she thought about it a little longer she moaned, "Oh my god, they are gonna suck our blood the second we fall asleep. I've heard about these things." And there went the idea of any sleep for the night. Diane shrieked and waved her arms frantically any time one swooped within eye sight.

Finally morning came and as promised the rapids were much more intense. And fun. One after the other - pure fun. We, the fuddy-duddy's, even took to raising our oars after navigating a difficult rapid for a collective paddle high-five.

We were warned at the start of the day that there was one rapid that we would not be able to attempt - it was called 'The Washing Machine' and it was a Cat 4 which means even hardcore enthusiasts walked around it for fear of certain death. Sometimes nature sure can be mean.

As our five boats approached 'The Washing Machine' a blond bimbo from another boat fell into the river and was headed right for the killer rapid. We were the closest to her so we were instructed to rescue her, which terrified Diane who pleaded, "NO! It's too dangerous." As we began to paddle toward the gal Diane screamed, "NO!! It's not safe." Then she tapped into her panic place deep within, "We have to save ourselves! LET. HER. DIE."