At a bar in NYC. They still have a menorah up for Hannuka which had ended the previous week. I was tipsy having a few laughs with the bartender & then pointed to the menorah & flubbed "HEY, YOU KNOW THE HOLOCAUST WAS SOOO LAST WEEK!" oops.
I saw Linda Lavin waiting 4 taxi outside theatre. Some queen got all excited & gushed, "GIRL, I LOVED U AS FLO!" Linda corrected him, "NO NO, I WAS ALICE. BUT I FORGIVE YOU, AFTER ALL IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO." The queen didnt hesitate, "HONEY, IT WAS MORE LIKE 30."
Girl @ JFK fast food serves me - NO greeting, no smile, NO NOTHING - just attitude. Of course she has tipjar. Meal came to 8.97, I gave her 9 dollars & walked off. I got 3 steps away & she yelled, "EXCUSE ME SIR, CAN U COME GET YOUR CHANGE, I AM NOT EXCEPTING YOUR LOUSY 3 CENT TIP!"
I'm on a 12/24 nite flight, captain ends his announcement: "...AND IF WE SEE SANTA SCOOTIN AROUND IN HIS SLEIGH WE'LL LET THE KIDS KNOW." Lady next 2 me snaps, "GREAT, NOW THESE KIDS'LL NEVER SLEEP & JUST BOTHER ME W/ ALL THEIR YAPPIN." She then covered herself w/ a blanket until we landed @ LAX!
Freaky lady is yelling at un suspecting US Airways gate employee cuz the terminal doesnt have more restaurants to her liking, "AT THESE CRAZY PRICES I SHOULD GET WAY MORE CHOICES. TELL THEM I WANT A CARL'S JR."
This evil tot cried 4 over an hour on my flight 2 Houston. Nothing worked - neither binky nor teet. Mom told her seat-mate that says she's teething. Guy next 2 me finally snapped, "DO SOMETHING 2 SHUT HER UP!" Now b4 u think ill of him remember it's said that Satan's spawn will appear as a cute demon baby.
Guy @ the table next 2 me is telling his friend why he has 3 cell phones. "ONE IS MINE. ONE IS MY WIFE'S, I'M SICK OF HER GOING OVER OUR MINUTES SO I TAKE IT AWAY FROM HER SOMETIMES. THE THIRD ONE WILL ONLY RING ONCE -WHEN THEY HAVE FOUND ME A KIDNEY DONOR, I ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT THAT ONE."
Hick chick on Super Shuttle just informed rest of us about the forecast: "OF COURSE IT'LL RAIN, THEY SAID IT WAS A 30% CHANCE. A 40% CHANCE & IT WONT RAIN, BUT A 30% & IT'S FOR SURE GONNA RAIN. LIKE MY DADDY SAYS - U CAN'T GO OUT & CUT YER HAY IF ITS 30% BUT U CAN IF ITS 40%."
Coworker was moving his lunch from Tupperware container to a plate for microwave. Puzzled, i asked, "WHY?" He sited the latest health studies about heated plastics & food. I gave him the once over & said, "OH PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT MAYBE 15 YEARS LEFT." He said, "YEA, UR RIGHT - FvCK IT!"
I was on the elevator at work with a familiar gal from a different floor. We enjoyed small talk, then I cracked a little joke. She laughed WAY TOO hard, like on a first-date laugh. She finished it off with a snort & then she saw the look of horror on my face & said, "SO SORRY, I JUST TOOK A CLARITIN CLEAR."