Moments ago I was leaving Pavilions grocery store and I noticed a gigantic gas-guzzling SUV sitting illegally in a handicap space.
As I was squinting to see if there was indeed a handicap placard hanging from the rearview mirror - the car started! It gave me pause because I didn't notice anyone sitting in the drivers seat. It was like magic.
The owner approached and read my confusion and explained, "I can start it before I get in it." As I was giving that a ponder he continued with an air of superiority, "It's a big boy's toy."
I was rendered frozen by his repugnant vanity. I was quipless (ME!) though my upper lip did manage a half-snarl as he got in and drove away.
The guy walking behind me was equally annoyed by this a-hole's attitude and corrected him, "What he means is: for big boys with small dicks."
Yesterday I was bored out of my mind and needed to do something - anything. All my friends were busy so I just decided to go to the bar I frequent and have a couple of afternoon drinks - which is something I never do alone.
My favorite bartender Mark was working which was cool as he is always generous with my group because my friend Don really tips him well - really really well!
It happened to be dollar draft day so I ordered one which Mark served me with a shot of something wicked. He never charges us for shots. He said, "That'll be a buck."
I handed him a five and said, "Keep the change!"
He smiled and laughed, "Well, you are officially my #1 tipper today!"
I raised my hands like a referee announcing a touchdown at a football game and bellowed, "Fvck yea!"
***Rewind to 24 hours earlier...
As I mentioned Don is a very generous tipper. We were out the afternoon before having a few drinks with Mark. At one point we got into a discussion about tipping. Mark thinks proper manner is to tip a dollar per drink (me too) and sours when people leave a single dollar for an entire round.
Don asked, "Where would you rank me as one of your regular tippers?"
Mark thought about it for a moment and then came up with a pretty nice looking number, "I'd say you are #3."
Don shrieked back, "Only #3?" Then suddenly he got competitive, "What do I need to do to make it #1"
Mark joked, "Well, you could tip me more!"
Don asked, "How much more?"
Mark replied, "How about I just tell you what they give me and you can take it from there!"
We three roared with laughter.
Then Mark upped the ante even further and said with a wry smile, "My birthday was last week and tippers #1 and #2 each gave me $200 cash. So..."
Don countered, "Well I'll keep that in mind for your next birthday."
I stepped in to help Mark out by twisting wedding gift etiquette for birthday purposes, "Actually, I think you have up to a year to get him a gift."
While it was a complete pleasure to visit the US Open a couple of weekends ago the wonderful grounds of the Tennis Center are lacking in one thing: the bathrooms.
They only had a few scattered about the grounds and they were small - 2 stalls and 3 urinals. There was usually a 15 minute line for the mensroom and let me tell you those toilets were at a premium.
One time I was waiting on line for what seemed like forever behind a father with his 6 year old son. The boy was moving around as though he needed a stall but there was no movement in them, well... except that there was - I should say that there were just no vacanies.
Finally a urinal opened up for them and the boy pulled his father's hand back, "But daddy, I gotta go poop."
The father tried to encourage him to wait, "Let's do that one next time, ok?"
The boy reached around and grabbed the seat of his pants and wriggled with a sense of urgency, "But I can't hold it any more."
The laugher of recognition echoed throughout the restroom. The father address us, "It won't be so funny if these guys don't..." He turned toward the stalls, "HUR-RY!"
Last week while I was walking down a street in Greenwich Village this couple walked out of a shop and to her friend's surprise the other sat on the stoop in front of the door. She growled, "Grrrrrrol, get your ass up and let's come on."
The other replied, "Not-uh. I gotta sit here for a minute."
She continued impatiently as she lit her cigarette, "But we're wasting time."
She was then not-so-politely (I've left out a few words) reminded, "I told you before we left that I had a in-grown toenail on my fat toe."
She growled again, "Bitch I'm 'bout ready to cut off that damn toe."
I had the good fortune to spend Labor Day Weekend at the US Open in New York City. I put together a photo album that you can access by clickingHEREor by scrolling down the photo album column to the righ of this column.
I shot the video below while Rafael Nadal was practicing for his 3rd round encounter against fellow Spaniard, Nicolas Almagro. Rafa won the match but would go on to lose to eventual champion Juan Martin Del Potro in the semifinals.