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Gf and Ricky

I have long waited for a picture of these two together.

Wanna see who is in those shoes? Well, just click over to see it below.

Warning: Not for the faint of heart.

The Dumpster Diver

Yesterday as I walked Hector & Monji's dear dogs I had an incident.

As a good civic-minded dog walker I always pick up their poop. Always.

Well, yesterday just happened to be trash pick-up day so...

I tied the crap bags into one big bag of hefty poop.

I was a distance from the curbside trash bins so I gave it a nice arc-ing fling.

There was a satisfying thud. Followed my a man's yelp.

Suddenly up popped a dumpster diver. He looked at me and said, "Really?"

I apologized and replied, "Please tell me that that didn't hit you in the head."

He laughed, "Of course It did!" An awkward pause followed.

Then I flung him a punchline, "I guess that makes you a real shit head."

We enjoyed a nice laugh together. Thankfully.

***

Yes, that is actually a pic of him.

Are You Really from Outer Space?

The other day I was waiting for the bus on Sunset Blvd. There was a homeless man eating some leftovers he'd dug out of the trash. He seemed quite content with his find.

That is until another homeless guy showed up...

The intruding homeless guy had a sign that said PLEASE HELP and he was walking among the cars stopped at the light.

This angered and interupted the first homeless guy's lunch as he stood up and yelled, "Hey, you can't panhandle here. This is my spot."

The second guy ignored him and continued walking through the heavy mid-day traffic.

The first one continued while waiving a spork in the air, "Hey, you. It's illegal to panhandle here. You need to leave before I call the Mayor."

That triggered a response, "You don't have no Mayor's number and besides I see you panhandle here all the time. Don't the laws apply to you too?"

Now with arms akimbo the first guy said, "No asshole, I am not subject to your human laws."

The second guy angrily asked, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The first guy did a big (and impressive) doo-wop move and proclaimed with his proud gesture of matter-of-fact, "I am from outer space - your human laws do not apply to me."

It worked as there just was no arguing with that so the second guy shrugged and took off down the street.

Satisfied with himself he returned to his lunch. He took a bite and then realized that I had been a witness to this bizarre encounter. He looked up and I asked, "Are you really from outer space?"

He pointed his spork in my direction and said cooly, "Not really."

"That was my husband."

Yea, so this happened last week...

I was at a local dog park and this bulldog's owner kept throwing the ball for him to fetch and as he retrieved it he would come to me and lay the ball at my feet. Every time I would begin to bend down to pick it up the owner would make a rude 'no no' clicking sound with his tongue which told me not to touch it at which point he'd grab it and throw it again.

The dog just kept bringing it back to me. But I wasn't allowed to play. I think this annoyed the dog more than it actually annoyed me. Soon they were gone and I was left to ponder about how it really bothered me that I let this guy bully(dog) me.

The very next day I went back to the dog park and the same bulldog was playing fetch - only this time with a female. And again, the dog kept laying the ball at my feet. This time I was allowed to actually pick up the ball and play.

The woman said, "My dog seems to really like you."

I replied, "Yea, he really liked me yesterday too."

A puzzled look made a mess of her pretty face, "Yesterday?"

I said matter-of-factly, "He was with a male yesterday."

She tensed-up even more, "That was my husband."

I thought about telling her about his shenanigans but opted not to as she continued, "He told me he was at work all day yesterday."

I took a step backward as she thought out loud with a bite in her voice, "I wonder what else he's lying to me about..."

I jerked a corner of my mouth downwards and managed an awkward, "Whoops."

Clearly agitated she promptly leashed her dog and departed with a heavy foot. I felt bad for a couple of minutes but if I'm telling the truth - it actually felt good that I unwittingly exacted revenge on that big meanie.

Santa Community

I live at the end of the 105 Metro line. Lately I've been riding.

A couple of weeks ago I boarded and encountered a white bearded driver.

I thought to myself: I wonder if he realizes he's driving a bus & not a sleigh?

I sure do enjoy my simple amusements.

The next day I rode with him again - this time a rider exited saying,

"See you tomorrow, Santa."

Huh? People actually call this guy Santa?

Maybe even more troubling was the jolly in his response, "Until then."

I found myself on his bus again a few days later and heard the following:

Rider: Hey, Santa. Are you working much this season?

Driver: Oh yes. This is my busy time of year.

Rider: Do you make a lot of money being Santa?

Driver: Yes. I can make about a third of my Metro salary in December alone.

Rider: Are you kidding me?

Driver: The pinnacle of the Santa career is the Macy's Parade, of course.

Rider: Really?

Driver: Yea, the Macy's Santa makes bank.

Rider: I had no idea.

Driver: Everybody in the Santa community dreams of getting that call!

Rider: Do you know this years Macy's Santa?

Driver: Nah, I'm pretty sure he's an east coast Santa.

It's at this point that I reached my destination.

***

A few nights later I ran into my tranny friend Ricky dressed as Santa.

Or rather, undressed as Santa.

And I wondered if Santa Ricky would be accepted in the Santa community.

You decide.

You can get a full-on view but I'm warning you - it's not for the faint hearted:

 

James Garner: Dead or Alive?

At happy hour Scott and I made a bet as to whether James Garner was alive.

Neither of us was actually sure but I insisted he had died about a year ago.

Scott, being much closer to Garner's age, took the opposing position.

Scott gazed upward and tapped his chin a couple of times as he pondered,

"Mmm, what do I want to bet you that I don't care about?"

He reached over and patted our pal Roger on the back, "How about Roger!"

Thinking that I'd surely win the bet I bellowed, "I don't want him either!"

Roger threw his hands up - no, only one hand...

The other wasn't lettin' go of that drank - he cried out, "Hey, hey, hey."

Channeling my inner black chick I joked, "Don't neither one of us want you."

Roger lifted his Jack & Coke and shrugged, "I'll always have Mr. Daniels."

Just one of the enjoyable early evening laughs shared among good friends.

I lost. James Garner is alive. But he's really old. I'd win that bet in 2012.

I Met Jesus Yesterday

This guy's been wandering about West Hollywood as Jesus for some 5 years.

He primarily sticks to Sunset Blvd and the tour buses love him.

He will often strike a Jesus-y pose while the tourists snap pics in a frenzy.

You can literally hear them collectively think: Only in LA.

Well, yesterday as I was walking along Sunset I saw him approach.

He has perfected the Jesus glide - he actually looks like he's walking on water.

Anyway, without hesitation I asked, "Mind if I get a picture with you?"

I was only thinking of the cause it might stir when I posted it on Facebook.

He replied in a low saintly monotone, "Not at all, my child."

After the quick pic I realized that his birthday was 12 days away and said,

"Hey, let's not forget that 'Jesus is the reason for the season'."

Oh dear, I've taken to quoting Jesus bumperstickers to, well - Jesus.

He reached out his hand as if to bless me and said, "That's right, my child."

He then took a generous swig from his giant-sized Starbucks coffee...

Clearly satisfied he dropped the Jesus schtick as he cooed,

"Actually, this pumpkin spice latte is the 'reason for the season'."

***

Get it? Cuz the pumpkin spice latte is seasonal.

And Christmasly delicious.

Best Gym Buddy Ever or, Cotton Candy

My friend Sammy has happily reintroduced the gym into my life.

We go (on average) 4 times a week. Lots of laughs. Best gym buddy ever.

The other day after our workout we were walking by the nearby CVS.

I said, "I'm kinda hungry, can we go in for a sandwich?"

Sammy replied, "Sure." We settled for a chicken pesto pita thing. Tasty too.

There was nowhere to eat so we just ate it at the trash can out front.

We looked decidedly homeless - made worse by the driving rain.

After it was consumed we walked a couple blocks before Sammy mentioned,

"Today is Jordan and my one month anniversary. What should I get him?"

I said, "Well, we were just at CVS - you should have looked around there."

So we went back.

We walked up and down every aisle but found nothing to his satisfaction.

I noticed that security was following us and made mention of it to Sammy.

Sammy said, "Well, I am wearing this gigantic backpack!"

I continued, "And it probably doesn't help that we ate over a trash can."

We enjoyed a laugh as the guard switched his observational gaze to a glare.

Eventually Sammy settled on a multi-colored bag of cotton candy.

I asked, "Isn't cotton candy suppose to come on a stick?"

Without missing a beat Sammy lowered his voice to a growl, "It will."

Tales from the Gym Yesterday

I walked into the gym and heard a woman asked the front desk gal,

"Who's teaching the class right now?" She replied, "Tonya."

The woman said, "Oh, she's tough." I chimed in, "Oh, forget that."

The front desk gal said to me, "Well, if you want a tough workout..."

I stop her by joking, "Yea, I don't want a tough workout!"

A personal trainer overheard me and said, "I love that you just said that."

And then we all enjoyed a good laugh.

***

I've been going to the gym with my good and dear friend Sammy.

We always finish with some floor exorcises on a matt in the aerobic room.

The truth: Sammy always finishes with exorises in the aerobic room...

I man the timer.

Yesterday we went in and this guy was atop 10 matts (see pic above).

I made a flippant gesture his direction and cracked-wise,

"What's with 'Princess and the Pea' over there?!"

Fvck the World

Yesterday I was feeling blue and spent an hour sitting on a park bench.

I was pretty catatonic and weepy - feeling all over fvck the world-ish.

After a bit a kid came to workout on the bars in front of me.

When he took off his shirt I could not believe my eyes...

Sprawled across his chest was a tattoo telling the story of my day.

He struck up a conversation with me and after awhile I said,

"Ya know, your tattoo reflects my mood today precisely."

He laughed as I continued, "Tho I'm hoping mine is less permanent."

He laughed and said, "You should get high. It helps."

I drummed up the courage to ask him if I could take a photo.

I was nervous about his response but he happily snapped, "Sure!"

He popped into an appropriately surly fvck the world pose...

Then climbed to the top of the monkey bars - perched and pondering.

I yelled up to him and thanked him for the chat and the photo.

And as I left he called down after me, "Live high homie, it's the only way."