My Weblog

His Loudest (and Lamest) Demand

This guy walked into happy hour yesterday already wasted.

He plopped his old-ass brief case on the bar and ordered a pitcher of beer.

Josh asked him for $6 to pay for the libation.

He hemmed and hawed before realizing his wallet was in the brief case.

He tried to open it but couldn't. It was turning into quite a scene.

Finally he got on his phone and called someone.

I couldn't hear what he was saying until he got heated,

"GIVE ME THE MUTHA FUCKIN' CODE TO THE BRIEF CASE."

He repeated this several times - bugging the eff out of we regulars.

Exasperated he ended the call with his loudest (and lamest) demand,

"WELL, THEN YOU NEED TO SEND A LOCKSMITH DOWN HERE NOW!"

Then he shouted, "YOU NEED TO OPEN THIS BITCH UP."

Um, yea... that's what she said.

I Set it on Vibrate

A friend of mine gets up before the sun rises 5 days a week for work.

The other day I asked him how he does it.

He explained that he sleeps with his cell phone in his underwear at night...

"I set it on vibrate. It's really the best way to make sure I wake up."

Weird.

This morning I awoke to a missed call from this friend at 1:30AM.

I texted him when I noticed it but got no reply and began to worry.

A few hours later I called him at work, "Hey, are you ok?"

He replied, "I got your text and had no idea what you were talking about."

I explained, "I'm talking about your missed call in the middle of the night."

He continued, "I know. I was sound asleep. I guess my crotch dialed you."

Yea that's right, say it with me now: that's what she said.

HANDS at LACMA

Taken yesterday from the Fashioning Fashion exhibit at LACMA.

The exhibit is a history of European fashion from 1700-1915.

Hey LA peeps, the exhibit runs through March 27, 2011.

Overheard at the exhibit:

Lady 1: Oh yes, this is definately an authentic dress.

Lady 2: How do you know?

Lady 1: Because I use to compete in Confederate pageants.

Lady 2: But I thought this was a European exhibit.

Lady 1: Same shit.

Some guy watched as I took about 4 pics of the image above.

He: You're not getting any of the head.

Me: Ha, that's what she said!

Four more photos on the next page...

Upon the Spring I Took a Chinese Lover

Speaking of China... It just so happens that Joe Jerry (of Thong Watch fame) went to China last week for a month or so working a freelance writing gig. For the few weeks leading up to his departure I began to refer to his journey as something poetically inspired by Keats perhaps: Upon the Spring I Took a Chinese Lover.

And of course I repeated that little phrase relentlessly.

Joe Jerry called me from the airport just before he boarded his flight. He talked for about 15 minutes and at one point I asked him how long his Visa afforded his stay in China. He replied, "I have the flexibilty of a six month multiple entry."

I allowed for an awkward pause. Joe Jerry then lower his voice to a comic deadpan and slowly moaned with an audible eye-roll, "Yes. I know, I know. That's what she said."

That's What She Said...

Tease: You know I'll love it and then you tell me to stay off of it...

Not cool big noodle, not cool.